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OFF THE BEAT: Learning to be a sex nerd

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SEPTEMBER 02, 2011

I am a nerd. About everything. I over-research anything I decide that I want to do. I exhaust the resources on the Internet and then move on to books if I still want to know more.

When I started having sex, I started doing the same thing I always do: research. From random Internet sex articles to “The Guide to Getting it On,” as well as Ian Kerner’s “She Comes First” and “He Comes Next,” I read whatever looks interesting.

Sometimes, sex books just give a slightly different perspective. They put into words things that I do anyway and maybe give a few tips to refine technique. Occasionally though, there is a bit that has me sitting there going “I never would have thought of that, but that makes a lot of sense.”

When I first read about the male tipping point, I felt a lot of previous sexual experiences click into place.

You see, I’m a tease. Not in the way where I’ll flirt and touch while not having interest, more in the way that once I have a guy in my bed, I want to play with him. I bring him to the brink then slow back down to square one and just let the tension build until I finally let him orgasm.

Except, there have been a few times where that ended with me watching the guy cum while I looked on bewildered and thought “But I’m not even touching you!”

I had pushed him past the tipping point, the point of no return after which a man will orgasm even if all stimulation is stopped.

Women don’t do that.

Learning about the tipping point caught me completely off guard. For women, if they are on the brink of orgasm, stopping stimulation means an overly sensitive clitoris and starting the whole process again, if orgasm is going to happen at all.

Even if a woman is already cumming, stimulation still plays a role. Stopping in the middle of an orgasm may not cut it off immediately, but it is likely to significantly shorten it. But if her partner keeps up the pace, a lot of women can ride out an orgasm for a surprisingly long time.

My friend who says that his policy is to just keep going unless he is told to stop or is pushed away has the right idea of it: she’ll let you know when it gets to be too much. There is a reason that “don’t stop!” is a common phrase in sex.

So you can imagine my surprise the first time I stopped and he, well, didn’t.

After that, maybe I should be embarrassed that I still needed it spelled out for me. But sometimes a little outside perspective is useful.

This wasn’t the first or the last time a book taught me about my sex life. If it wasn’t for being enough of a nerd to gather information, I may never have relaxed enough to actually have a G-spot orgasm.

It’s not that books taught me about deep, relaxing tantric breathing that allowed me to communicate with my inner self or whatever tantra is supposed to be about. It’s more that sex books taught me that I didn’t actually have to pee.

For most of us, since we were about two or three we have known that if you feel that full, pressing sensation it is time to stop whatever you are doing and go to the bathroom. Except, G-spot stimulation feels remarkably like needing to do just that.

The G-spot is a spongy area in the first two inches or so of the front wall of the vagina that has the texture of a walnut. If a woman cums during penetration, it is probably because of the G-spot. When stimulated correctly, it can produce really intense orgasms. And a sort of “need to pee” sensation.

Given that getting at your own G-spot requires either odd wrist angles or props, exploring with a partner is generally the first time a woman really experiences G-spot stimulation. I have to say, at first it just felt weird and vaguely uncomfortable.

Apparently that is completely normal, and the couple should just push through. The key is to relax, ignore the fact that there is a background sensation of needing to pee and just go with it.  After a few times, it becomes easier to distinguish the G-spot sensation from the “I need to use the ladies’ room” sensation.

Once that happens, you really start reaping the rewards.

But without something telling me that it was completely normal, it would have taken me longer to get to the point of relaxation and orgasm, if I could have achieved it at all.

Maybe, eventually, girls’ night gossip would have filtered the same information to me, and I would have learned about G-spots and tipping points and all the other interesting bits that books taught me instead. Really though, why take the slow route if someone has already done the leg work for you?

I’d rather test out of the intro course and move straight on to advanced studies.

Contact Erica Chase at 


AUGUST 31, 2011